Not Without Intention

I once heard something said along the lines of "Life is what happens while you are making plans." These past few months are a testament to that. I was so tired.

I've been struggling with a great many things: a day job that imploded, the decision whether to self-publish my novels, and life events around me that are outside of my control, but that still drag me down into them. It had gotten to the point I began to experience a type of paralysis that threatened to send me into true autopilot.  Losing the day job was what finally knocked me out of a rut and sent me spinning here.

When I feel rudderless, I look for inspiration, for what I call 'road signs'. You can call them whatever you like; Divine inspiration, messages from God, ah-ha moments - what it all boils down to is, I look outside myself for something from the Universe to say: This way you moron.

Now these kinds of moments happen in the strangest places. I've had inspiration hit in a laundry mat, while getting my teeth cleaned (that was interesting) and often while sleeping. This time it happened in Dollar General while perusing the discount bin. In with the paper products was a little notebook, and I have an obscenely large collection of little notebooks. I grabbed it, flipped it over and the words on the front hit me like a truck.

Not Without Intention

Words have power; that is a fact. And those words, on that little notebook, rocked me to the point that I paid for the book and left. I didn't even bag it. I then sat in the parking lot staring at the cover of a book that I'd never even opened. That didn't matter. This was my sign.

I can almost hear the eyerolls from here. "Oooo, how original, big lightning bolt moment in a discount store. Next the author will see the face of Jesus on a piece of toast.”  To that type of troll who only thrives when they make fun of others, I say:

"You may kiss my middle-aged right butt cheek and move along."

I am not a person who has ever needed a miracle, a burning bush, or a voice from the clouds to take things as a sign. The way my brain works, the smallest thing: a snippet of an overheard conversation, a song on the radio or random words on a notebook cover carry the weight of prophecy for me.

But what is intention?

Formally:

An act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result.

(And for those medical people out there like me, "the healing process of a wound." Both statements are appropriate here.)

I think that many people spend too much time on the verge of or full on in autopilot. Doing things without thinking, just trying to make it through the day. And the next. And the next. We don't spend enough of our precious time and energy on where we are going and why. The 'day job' becomes the focus of all and at the end of the day, we are all exhausted with all the nonsense, all the noise. And we stop caring about anything. But not caring is no way to be productive, UNLESS it is done with intention. One must not randomly care about whatever comes. One must be selective. Make each care matter to your grander plan.

I have been told that I present as cold, aloof, snobbish even, and don't seem to care about anything (middle-aged butt cheek, you trolls. Move to the left). This is far from the truth. I care about many things and sometimes that hurts. That day, with the notebook, I took to heart those three words.

Not without intention - Ok. Let's do this.

I wrote down my plans, even the crazy ones; I wrote down everything I have wanted to do, say, be, feel, whatever came into my head. Then I took the time for me to break it all down; to assign intention to each (yes, even the crazy ones) because in doing so a clearer picture of what matters to me took form. I am not going to say that suddenly my life made sense and everything is running smoothly and blah, blah, blah.  Hell no. What I can say is that when I felt that black veil collapse over me, I stopped. I took time to think, I asked myself what I really wanted AND WHY. Do I think this is the answer to everything? Nope.

What I can say is that it has given me my power back, power that I let lay on the floor for too long because I was too tired to pick it up, not realizing that by letting it lay there, I would only be MORE exhausted and frustrated with myself. We will see how things go in the coming months, until the next road sign pops up and I get the proverbial whack upside the head with a Divine 2x4.

Intentionally, of course.